Kraven the Hunter review: Put it out of its misery

Despite what you have heard or will read in this review, Sony Pictures did one thing in chef's kiss fashion: Casting Aaron Taylor-Johnson. As the big game hunter of Marvel Comics, ATJ was a prize. As Kraven the Hunter, he was visceral, believable, and powerful. It's just too bad he spent the rest of the film trying not to step in water buffalo crap.

Did it really have that many problems? Well, let's get into it and find out.

On with the show...

SPOILERS AHEAD - NOT THAT IT MATTERS - SPOILERS AHEAD

It would have been easier — and maybe kinder — if an Instagram reel of those involved in this movie lighting $110 million on fire. Watching their budget go ablaze to make Kraven would have taken less than one minute, been seen nationwide in seconds, and had the same effect. 

Before the film's premiere, headlines shared the Sony Spider-Man Universe (SSU) is, indeed, dead. Before people spend $20 on tickets and discover there is no post-credits scene? (No, that's not a joke... lights come on when the credits roll.) You lead with that? What's the use of watching the film?!

No intrigue for the fans? No hope for moviegoers? This news is the proverbial "ripping of the band-aid" off that one uncle's arm with those Winnie the Pooh hairy arms. Just "riiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!" and let the screams happen. There will be no empathy here. You wasted $60 at the movies hoping to see some tease or Easter Egg about 'The Sinister Six'? That isn't happening.

There will be no Spider-Man Rogues Gallery family reunion. There is no "Last Hunt," which is Kraven's comic premiere story. There is absolutely no curtain call for a wasted, worthy performance from Aaron Taylor-Johnson, who put his all into this role, and it showed. (Seriously! Those abs had to be CGI, right?)

All growl. No bite. But there were some gums.

Who would have thought the build-up to the Sinister Six would have been killed by Kraven, instead of culminating with him? If you saw the red-band trailer, the movie maintained that pace. This was the most brutal film, arguably, of all Marvel-influenced stories. More than The Punisher, Blade, Deadpool, or No Way Home. That part delivered.

Kraven delivers the blood and fresh kills. The experience delivered for the casual fan - violent fights, an inventive array of tools and weapons, feats of superhuman skills, and did we mention those abs? You could grate cheese on those things. Anywho, for those who know a little more about Sergei Kravinoff, the movie created Swiss cheese-type holes in canon expectations.

In the comics, Sergei Kravinoff was a legendary big game hunter who earned his prestige in the Belgian Congo of Africa. There, he finds a witch doctor's herbal potion, chugs a vial, and discovers he possesses the physical prowess of the jungle. The witch's brew was made of mutagenic chemicals that created superhuman ability. In this film, it's the speed of a cheetah, the ferociousness of a lion, the hunting agility of a panther, and the talent of a circus bear.

Back to that trailer: the only mutant was this gigantic lion who drips some bad blood in an open wound. We focus on that, but then Calypso sees the lion ravaging Sergei to a pulp (although it could be argued the big cat was scared and rescued Sergei as it matters). She drops some of that down the kid's gullet, which, mixed with the lion DNA, creates Super Sergei.

Why? It's not as if Marvel didn't already have some guy on tape who took some herb, got empowered, and wreaked havoc along the countryside. (Bushmaster in "Luke Cage," anyone?) That's not sexy enough for Sony Pictures, so this curmudgeon lion spits blood in an open wound. If only this movie didn't need a plot because that's where the problems went on safari and didn't quit.

The elephants - or Rhinos - in the room

Much like a jungle littered with hidden bear traps, Kraven the Hunter had many foibles that were so obvious they could be cleared by kicking away a couple of leaves in the wind. Others take a moment to realize, and then, once you get it, the thing snaps your ankle like a frail twig.

The movie begins with Kraven's mischievous mean streak and scary parkour skills as he scales buildings with Spider-Man ease. Never mind the few scenes with the ham-handed ADR editing skills are forced down our throats. In that amateur Russian Kung-Fu film school sort of way, it's that obvious. The film can access American Ninja Warrior stunt doubles but can't edit poor dubbing and mixing voices with different octaves. Must be the economy.

Calypso's origin was butchered in the movie. It's almost like the script assumes comic book fans are bandwagoners. They'll never detect real origins, so let's jack with the story. For instance. Calypso Ezili was a sorceress who first appeared in Kraven's story in 1963's The Amazing Spider-Man No. 209. She was raised in... anyone, anyone? Haiti. Here, though, it's Ghana.

Black magic brought Kraven back from the dead, not lion spit and a generations-old Tarot card. Ariana DeBose is an Oscar winner. She could have pulled off a Haitian voodoo priestess instead of an American-sounding lawyer who wintered in West Africa. Calypso was vital to the Kraven origin story on film, but she was so much deeper to his background than we were permitted to see in J.C. Chandor's film. For instance, Kraven bumps into Calypso at a funeral 16 years after he ingested her magical elixir. He hands over the card to validate his identity. Personally, I lose my keys twice a week, but this man doesn't even allow a bend in a Tarot card after a year and a half. Right.

Then, there's "Chameleon," known as Dmitri Smerdyakov (Fred Hechinger), Kraven's half-brother. Outside of two closing minutes of changeling efforts, his claim to fame in this movie was mimic-singing Harry Styles, Tony Bennett, and Ozzy Osbourne. (It must be a fantastic soundtrack, too. Oy vey!) In the comics, Dmitri the Chameleon is like Bruce Willis' "Jackal." Only the same skeletal-shrinking technology used on Chris Evans was adopted to give Hechinger a serious bath.

He is a master impersonator who can change his appearance like a Skrull in a plastic surgeon's office. He was cunning, intelligent, and loved revenge. In the film, Dmitri is close to a spineless jellyfish and never holds a grudge that Aleksei Sytsevich/Rhino (Alessandro Nivola) cut off his finger for a mailed gift to his bloodthirsty and billionaire Russian arms dealer daddy, Nikolai Kravinoff (Russell Crowe).

Not for nothing, but throughout the movie, Rhino wears this fetching knapsack that holds his human serum close at bay. And someone needs to tell this guy about letting go of a grudge. Evidently, he goes hunting with Nikolai, who clowns him in front of fellow poachers, and that is why Rhino hates the Kravinoff family 16 years later. One last thing on the unihorned baddie. Can someone please call The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and say THIS is how you make Rhino, instead of some illegitimate Transformer with spare parts from Walmart? Poor Paul Giamatti.

"Old Yeller" the Beast

The overall problem with Kraven the Hunter is Sony Pictures are trying to cram a multitude of Tier 2 or 3 characters into a film that they had to know is the last. Kraven deserved much better, like a plot with proper character arcs and origins. It's almost as if the remainder of Spider-Man's Rogues Gallery are about to expire like old milk, so they need to hurl in as many characters as possible.

You know? The winning model from Venom: The Last Dance.

Instead of a symphony coming to a crescendo to get the Sinister Six, we get a cacophony that sounds like a bag of farts. All these characters want to have meaning, but Kraven is the only one who deserves it. Therein lies the reason this beast of a cinematic franchise failed--it never had a cohesive purpose. There was no woven tapestry connecting it all, just a bunch of thread wadded up that a feline with a good amount of catnip could have jumbled.

J.C. Chandor can make a good movie (i.e., Triple Frontier, A Most Violent Year). These actors can make good movies (i.e., Russell Crowe, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Ariana DeBose). We had a convincing and gruesome lead casting (i.e., Sorry for the repeat, but damn, those abs, bro). Richard Wenk can write a compelling story (i.e., The Equalizer franchise). With Marvel Entertainment riding shotgun, Sony Pictures could have molded Shinola from this. So, what happened? Why was this project victimized by the sum of its parts?

Apathy. Plain and simple. Somewhere around Morbius dodging bullets, the Sony Pictures Universe of Spider-Man Characters stopped caring about quality characters and started looking for a check. Unfortunately for anyone hoping Kraven the Hunter would have a positive vibe or make a turn for higher pastures (present company included), this check bounced.

RATING: 3/10 (And Aaron Taylor-Johnson is 2.5 of that.)